dating sucks

i tried to go on a "date" the other day and boy was it weird! i mean ive known this kid for like five years and ive always flirted with him and what-not. lets just put it this was, there was always the possibility in the back of my mind that there could be something there.... short answer: WRONG! it was one of the most uncomfortable evenings ever. i didnt know what to talk to him about, i had pretty much no desire to try to hold his hand or anything like that, and i overall didnt know how to act.

i dont know if ill ever be able to do this "dating thing". i think im 80% girlfriend-girl and 15% dating-girl and 5% something else. ive had a boyfriend pretty much all the time for the past ten years. ten years! i know that would sound worse if i were a cat, but it still sounds like a pretty long time to me. it makes me wonder if i can even do it. ive always decided that i like some guy. then i decided that he was the only one for me. then i figured out how to make him my boyfriend. then something bad happened, and i found a new one. i feel lost in the proverbial "sea". ive even given my gramma permission to give my number to this guy shes been eyeing for me at the gym. she picked him out! not me! i dont know how anymore!

what happened?

i came back to this city expecting to be welcomed with open arms. the bitterness surrounding most of its inhabitants and my ex-friends is astounding! at one point in my short history i was happy about where i lived, the people, the families, the way the trees on my street gave the road a hug.... now i'm not sure i even belong here.

all of my ex-friends have fallen prey to the dreaded "elyria-curse". they are all either un-wed parents, drug addicts, or angry spiteful townies. some are all three combined! i don't do drugs, i have no children (illegitimate or otherwise), but i am getting to the angry spiteful townie phase of my existence.

i still feel moments of love in this city. they seem to happen a lot less frequently than they did in the past.